Managing Adolescents: abandoning the myth of control

I once watched a neighbor girl navigate adolescence. Unfortunately her very controlling parents fruitlessly tried to maintain the same level of control they had when she was a child. When their daughter did things they disapproved of, they tried even harder to reassert control. That typically produced the opposite result. When they harped on her to study harder, she studied less. When they forbid her to drink she secretly got drunk. When they found out she was continuing to phone a boyfriend they disapproved of and confiscated her phone, she clandestinely bought another. When they forbade her to see him, she did so secretly. And she had sex with him in the bargain.  

In short, the daughter responded to her parent's ever more zealous attempts at control by becoming more and more disobedient and devious. It was a contest of wills. Ultimately the girl became pregnant to the very boy her parents disapproved of. He, by the way, turned out to be abusive; punching her in the stomach when he discovered she was pregnant. The daughter managed to keep her condition a secret and clandestinely secured an abortion. Her very Catholic parents would have forbidden that, had they known.  

When the girl finally reached maturity, the costs of over-zealous parental control efforts far exceeded the benefits. Parents must face the fact that they have less and less control as adolescence transforms their teen. Failing to recognize this is usually very counterproductive. Measured parental advice can still be effective, certainly, but not without some degree of willingness on the teen's part.

Adolescents have gained a great deal more control over their own lives than in the "good old days." Sure, kids who respect their parent(s) will generally not do things that might seriously embarrass or disappoint them. But this is something the adolescent, not the parent, chooses. Remember too, that when parents give a teen advice, it is apt to be as unrealistic as an Arab advising a rainforest Pigmy how to cope with sandstorms. 

Even when parental advice is realistic, it is likely to be lost on many teens. As a German proverb advises, "Everyone knows good counsel except those that have need of it."

To examine these issues further, see articles at www.newfoundations.com